In a digital world increasingly filled with immediate full disclosure and the celebration of the courage and honesty it takes to bare your soul for all the world to see, I offer a counter to that trend: the value of a private inner space to reflect and digest, to pause before sharing.
I once went on a women’s shadow work retreat that asked us to stay silent for the three days we spent together, except when we met in community to grieve, heal and process our most intimate stories. It was this experience that made me decide to become a therapist – I had never before witnessed such strength and compassion in support of another woman’s pain. But the facilitators asked us, in the breaks between these sessions, to stay silent. To speak too soon about the profound experiences we were having or witnessing was to leak the power of them away.
Timeless gems of wisdom
In preparation for leading a group reading of Gendlin’s book, Let Your Body Interpret Your Dreams, I am perusing this little gem again. Many aspects of dreamwork have evolved in the 40 years since the book was written, and there are ideas I would update. But there are also many timeless nuggets of wisdom. This one I am highlighting concerns protecting your private inner space when you first encounter your dreams.
Gendlin writes: “Can you feel the importance of your private space? Whatever may come is just between you and yourself. Compare that with how you would feel if you were going to tell someone instantly. Can you feel that you would not be as open inside? Less would come.”
Once this is understood — that we can keep certain awkward, undigested or difficult things to ourselves — he goes on to say that the more we share, the better. It sounds like a paradox, but simply knowing it’s fine to share what feels good to disclose and keep the rest to yourself is freeing. The line will be different for everyone.
As a therapist who has spent decades listening to the innermost thoughts and feelings of my clients, I have borne witness to many untold, sacred secrets. It is a relief to share a burden you have borne alone for a lifetime, and yet, if told too soon, or in a place where trust and intimacy are not established, it can lead to regret, shame, a fear of judgment.
Dreams are a window to our depths and revealing them says much more about us than we may realize. We are often obtuse about key aspects of our dreams. They reflect and illuminate our blind spots. A warrior’s dream of a helpless, wounded fawn may reflect a deeply vulnerable side that he rarely opens to. The dream of a partner cheating may actually speak to one’s own pull towards infidelity. Perfectionists may dream about flailing about, unable to drive a car, find their way home, or perform even the simplest of tasks.
Try on the opposite of what you believe
This brings me to another of Gendlin’s helpful ideas about dreams, something he called bias control. When you think you know all there is to know about your dream, it’s likely you are reading it in terms of what you already know and understand. But dreams always bring something new. So rather than settle for a quick, easy answer to your dream, stay with the places that remain mysterious. Go toward the dream elements you most strongly react against. This is where your growing edge lies. (This idea originates with Jung and his suggestion that dreams offer compensation when our way of being is skewed too far in one direction.)
In the examples above, perhaps the warrior needs to acknowledge his vulnerability. The person concerned about infidelity may need to acknowledge this desire within themselves. Perhaps the perfectionist needs to loosen up a little, be tolerant of a little incompetence – both within and with others.
Dreams are such help in opening us up to our blind spots and vulnerabilities. It can be supportive and illuminating to share them with someone who does not judge but can shine a light on what we can’t easily see inside ourselves. But don’t be too quick to do this. Open yourself first to what makes you uncomfortable about the dream. Lend yourself a friendly ear. Let more come by granting yourself permission to share or not to share until even the shyest, most vulnerable parts of you feel ready.
An invitation to read Let your body interpret your dreams with Dr. Leslie Ellis
7 Tuesdays, September 9 – October 28, 2025 11:00am-12:30pm Eastern (New York) Time, online and recorded. For information or to register: https://focusing.org/event/let-your-body-interpret-your-dreams-appreciating-gendlins-dreams-book